The day I've been dreading so much has finally arrived.. I've made it through the first day but I didn't enjoy a single minute of it (or at least I don't think I did).. and I believe that I'll continue to dread the remaining 120+ working days. Sigh..
Hearing about my friends' nightmarish experiences at their firms (one has been working both nights and weekends and it's only her third week?!) has filled me with so much fear and anxiety, I don't even know how to face the remaining (6 months - 1 day), much less the next 5-10 years. Is this really the life I want? Am I even allowed to want something else?
I think my productivity and more importantly, happiness level would be so much higher at home but society or reality doesn't care about any of that, not in Singapore at least.
This article on how Sweden is going to introduce a 6-hour work day is so apt right now and these sentences sum up how I feel work should be like: "Employers across the country have already made the change, according to the Science Alert website, which said the aim was to get more done in a shorter amount of time and ensure people had the energy to enjoy their private lives... ... the new work day would ensure people have enough energy to pursue their private lives when they leave work – something which can be difficult with eight-hour days." Yes, precisely. Why does work have to entail the giving up of daylight activities, of weekday morning walks, of weekday anythings (for those in my line of work), of regular family gatherings, of regular friends gatherings etc.? Perhaps I'm being greedy or some may say naive, idealistic but really, why do we have to accept the way things are when we know that it could be so much better? Why do we have to stick with the inflexible and demanding rat race system when we have a choice to focus on the intangibles instead? Does it make sense to sacrifice precious time with our families just to earn more money (to make their lives better) when the former counteracts the latter? I totally get why we need to work and earn money.. and I will do it, just that I won't be happy.
I hate how the secretaries kept rushing from one table to another frantically. I hate how they kept mumbling to themselves because they had simply too many things to handle at a go. I hate the lack of human interaction (but it could be just me,. that I should take the initiative more).. I hate the lack of warmth (and how no one extended a friendly hand to me).. I hate how socially disconnected we are.. I hate having to put on a smile and acting like I enjoy the work (I do enjoy having work at times but work satisfaction's one thing and having to act like I want more-more-more-work-because-I-have-to-be-an-excellent-trainee is another).. I hate having to make meaningless small talk.. I hate that the other trainee already knows everyone else in the firm and has established good rapport with all of them already.. (it makes me feel even more alone) and most of all, I hate how socially awkward, anxious, inadequate (anxiety better not be the catchword of 2016 - I will make sure of that. I've had enough of you, anxiety!) I am.
It could be the stress/exhaustion from Part B, helping to plan the wedding and having to prepare for work (hahah kiddin', not like I had the time to do anything) but I've been so unhappy lately. I feel like I will burst into tears at any time of the day. At work, I miss my sister, my mum, my friends, my house, my freedom, my fridge, my toilet (the office toilet is situated outside of the office), SMU(!) and basically everything outside of work. When I get home, I look at my sister's empty room and I miss her so much. It's tough knowing (and accepting) that no one will compete with me for the toilet in the mornings, that no one will lounge lazily on my bed at nights, that no one will entertain me when I'm feeling down, that no one will attack me with her chouchou, that I can't attack her with my chouchou hahah and the list goes on. (ah I have more to type but sleep beckons. Work and early nights, urgh)
Anyway, as always, horoscope readings which never fail to surprise me with their oh-so-coincidental predictions:
Horoscope for the day: An important career concern could require considerable effort on your part today in order to enable you to advance whatever it is you're trying to accomplish, Leo. (yes, 'considerable effort', yes) At some point during the day, you may be plagued by doubts as to your ability to do this. (what do you mean "at some point during the day"? It's more like "every moment of the day," I'm plagued by self-doubt) However, don't let this cause you to panic. All you need is to muster a little energy and stay focused on the task at hand. Believe that today you're capable of accomplishing wonders. (I wish I had someone to tell me this today)
Horoscope for tomorrow: Professional interests continue to expand, Leo, and you're managing to keep very busy. (busy is good but busy is also bad..) Your income is rising, and you could be achieving a certain prominence in your field. Nonetheless, you could be looking for new opportunities. The field you're in now may not be one that you want to continue for the next 20 years. (oh really) This is therefore a good day to put out a few feelers and test the waters. You might be surprised at the opportunities out there.
Hang in there, Madeline. Have faith in yourself. You can do it.
Up next: First life milestone in a week - the bunny sister got married! <3 This deserves a special post on its own so anticipate that! *\(^~^)/*
