It's been one and a half weeks of feeling sick and tired.
Enough is enough, can't this cough just go away already? I'm tired of waking up every morning with a dry throat and coughing like an old lady (they seem to call it dry retching, aka. having nothing to puke so one ends up puking air). It's probably a throat infection (and right when I recovered from another nasty bacterial infection) so come on, immune system! You can do it! Wipe out those bad bacteria! Exterminate them! Let's be healthy again! (exasperated) Then again, I hear that stress weakens the immune system so this probably explains why I'm still not well yet. I tell myself not to be too stressed out but my body isn't listening to my commands, I guess.
Right now, I have a splitting headache. Too many thoughts running around (quite chaotically) in this little mind of mine, driving me crazy, driving me nuts. The present, the future, the past, all crammed into one single time frame, a fragile frame that is straining to contain them all, a frame that is threatening to split at the edges and fall to pieces. Having to worry about them, to worry about myself, to worry about others, to be a considerate friend, to be a sensible child, to be a responsible individual, to be a grateful person, to be a mature self. It's taking a toll on my mental well-being (nothing that I can't handle yet, thankfully) but is this what people call '
life' and '
growing up'? I still haven't quite come to terms with the implications of growing up - or why it's associated with so many losses of precious things - and I'm not sure if I ever even want to accept them, if it means giving up on a part of oneself and losing the power of hope. As always, I know that we are always stronger than we believe ourselves to be. We'll make it through these "difficult times", we'll survive but will we be happy? I keep playing down the severity of these issues (it's hard not to, with this pretty messed up world that we live in - I mean, there are people suffering because of famines, civil wars, archaic unjust laws, terrorists, poverty and then, there's us on this little sunny island) in the hope that I will gain strength and motivation from the fact that we're a billion times more fortunate than many others out there, but sometimes, I wonder if this really makes things better (and not worse).
Hah, which brings me back to the same ol' questions again.
Not too long ago, I realised that a friend of mine was facing similar issues (what with the constant self doubt, disappointment and trivialising of problems) and I guess what we really need to do is to be honest with ourselves and face those problems head-on. The fact that people out there are possibly suffering worse fates (what society terms 'real and serious problems') doesn't make our problems any less significant or hurtful. After all, it's all very subjective - acknowledging and understanding that there are more 'important problems' than ours doesn't help lessen the pain we feel or take our worries away. Our problems may pale in comparison to worldly issues - we may feel foolish, angry and annoyed with our frailty- but.. at the end of the day, the point is that nothing changes. The world's still imperfect, we're still imperfect and everyone's issues remain unresolved. To us, these are
the real problems. (anyway, one has to first get past these personal hurdles before going on to establish world peace right and rule the world right!)
So to this dear friend of mine, please don't be angry at yourself for being weak. Don't be disappointed in yourself for not being able to overcome those problems for now. (Yes, for now. Things will change.) You need time and your problems deserve every bit of attention and effort you can afford to give them. Don't get distracted or sidetracked by others. Begin with self-acceptance. You are imperfect but you are strong, and you
will find a way out. It may take weeks, months or even years but please hang in there, the light at the end of the tunnel.. is real. I know it is and you need to believe in that.
Always, always keep the faith.
Ah well.. (it would certainly do me good to listen to my own advice eh)
(chortles)
Life and its complexities.
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I came across this picture this afternoon when transferring photos from my sister's phone and hey, I really like it. What's so exceptional..? I just like everything that is expressed in the picture. Haha I guess I now know the reason for those insane urges to visit the beach. (:
Goodnight, all.
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