"I don’t think it’s the numbers in the opposition which counts. It’s the quality of the alternative which you put before the people." - Mr. Lee Kuan Yew

Mourn first, anger later?

I think not, this anger can wait no longer.

I’m not sure if any of you have been reading some of the filth going around on the internet but trust me when I say that those posts/articles will only leave one enraged, frustrated, indignant and very much in despair (at the thought of such individuals being part of what we call ‘Singapore’s future’, a bleak one by the looks of things). There is a time to grieve, to mourn and that is now. And then, there is also a time to relook his legacy, to question his achievements and to have a balanced debate about Singapore’s history and the contributions of our pioneer leaders – which is anytime but now. Does this necessarily mean a lack of freedom of expression, the death of democracy, the oppression of the people and the end of Singapore (since this funny bunch enjoys the dramatization of issues so much, why not play along)? Duh, of course not – it doesn’t even take a genius to figure out the answer to that question. All we’re asking is for the people to show the very bare minimum of respect for a great man who has since left the world – I’m not even appealing for people to mourn his passing – at least have the most basic type of respect you would show any other being in this world, living or not. (don’t mind the occasional colloquial terms peppered throughout this post – the very Singaporean, very Singlish self of mine slips out in the italicised personal thoughts from time to time – they could possibly undermine the credibility of the points I’m arguing for because they reveal my pretty emotional state but naw, if you’re looking for more eloquently written articles on why you should be pro/anti-Mr. Lee, there are tonnes of articles out there – which is a fantastic thing(!) and I've enjoyed reading many of those – for you to read.)

If you’re unwilling to mourn his passing, have it your way! No one is even forcing you to be sad and pay tribute to him! If you detest him, so be it, suit yourself! Go ahead and hate him all you want but during this very sensitive period (someone’s brother, father, uncle and grandfather just passed away for goodness’ sake), can’t you guys (aka the funny bunch) just keep your mouths shut for once? (don’t talk, will die is it?) You don’t have to respect him but to show your disrespect in such spiteful, cruel and disgusting ways right after his passing (some guy uploaded a picture of a Huat Kueh that very night, celebrating Mr. Lee’s death) is just distasteful and revolting. I suppose you’re also the kind of wretched person who will skip to a neighbour’s house after an elderly neighbour’s passing and yell that you’re darn happy to see the man gone because now, his incessant coughing will bother you no longer. The type who will pop balloons at funerals and wakes and the type who will openly mock those who are silently grieving in the hospital walkways? What a vile human being. Unless Mr. Lee was directly responsible for exterminating your entire clan or had wronged you personally, no one, I repeat, no one should ever wish death upon him and treat him with such disrespect. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Imagine how you feel if someone else did the same to you, your family or your friends? Well, that is precisely how Mr. Lee’s family (and much of this nation) feels right now in response to your irresponsible antics. (but if you want people to wish you and your family dead, then okay lor – I don’t scold you. I clap for you instead okay?)

There is not a shred of human decency in this bunch.. To wish death upon a person and celebrate it thereafter, are they even fellow human beings? I would think some animals to be even more compassionate, more feeling, and ironically, more human creatures. Basic courtesy, manners, sensitivity, empathy – these guys just don’t have it in them. Just full of hatred and vitriol. 

In short, I despise you, I’ll have you know that. I pity you for having to live that kind of sorry existence, stuck with that screwed up mind of yours – I sincerely hope natural selection does a fine job this time.

At the same time, I’m amazed at how thoughtless these people can be as well as how oblivious they are to the consequences of their online speech and conduct. They really have no idea – zilch! - how badly their words and actions reflect on their characters, don’t they? If they’re regretting it now, I’m sorry to say (not even in the slightest bit sorry man, losers) that it’s too late. You guys clearly haven’t been keeping up with news, have you? What you post online can get you fired, expelled, alienated and be at the receiving end of all sorts of social sanctions (yay!). It only takes slightly more than a second to upload the garbage from that trashy mind of yours but... what goes up on the net stays up forever. Memories of your posts/articles may fade but your masterpiece (!) never truly disappears – it’s floating somewhere in cyberspace and may/will come back to haunt you anytime. Labels stick.

Take this example – I chanced upon a screenshot of this youth’s Instagram posts (I believe she graduated from foundation studies in Australia this year so that puts her around 18-20) – we’ll call her Ms. K, Dopey – who went on a posting spree about how Mr. Lee would be “rotting in hell”, how he had withheld the right to freedom of speech from us and that people who criticised her (for her lack of sensitivity and tactlessness) should just lock themselves at home. Amusingly, she even tagged her mother’s account (I was like, wait- what?! Daebak!) in her comment, in response to the commentator’s allusion to her poor upbringing. She even had the nerve to taunt the commentator for changing her privacy settings, “as if that’s going to give you any protection”. (Quite the contrary, it’s online bullies like you who rob decent people of the right to freedom of speech) Give me a minute while I laugh first. Giving the commentator protection – aww, you really don’t get it, do you! You are the one who’s going to need protection soon. Much to my delight/amusement, Ms. Dopey later changed her own account’s privacy settings and now, (HAHA) her username’s different, her picture’s gone and I suspect her Facebook account’s down too. Too late, little girl, to scamper and hide. Screengrabs are already splashed across various social media sites (with your name and mugshot intact!) and there’s nothing you can do to get it off the net.

Sure, I agree that Singapore could do so much better with the right to freedom of expression and speech (not that bad to the extent that we sit at 150^th, only above The Democratic Republic of The Congo though, 2014 RWB), that our defamation laws may be overly strict and public demonstration rules could be relaxed further but if such freedom of speech includes useless rants like these (aka mindless hating), then uh, maybe we can do without it. Freedom of speech and expression is often valued because of the potential good that can come out of it (eg. valuable ideas, sparks for social change, innovation) – it’s largely really constructive expression/speech that is valued and protected. To have the funny bunch hide their vicious, destructive comments behind the shield of freedom of expression is such an insult to the latter. Society can very well do without (even prosper, maybe) those thoughtless comments which adds absolutely nothing to society. Just hate and feelings of ill-will (which if you don’t mind, you could just let them fester within yourself). Oh, and in case you’re unaware, freedom of speech and expression doesn’t translate into absolute unfettered freedom to say/write anything you want. It entails some notion of responsible and accountability as well, which explains why there are laws against hate speech in countries worldwide. Hate speech laws in force around the world predominantly protect racial/ethnic groups but there have been legislative efforts on many fronts to expand the scope of protection to other minority groups such as homosexuals and the disabled. In my opinion, the trash being uploaded this week isn’t too different from the hate-fuelled comments (prohibited elsewhere) so don’t always feel like you’re entitled to such behaviour (morally or not) or that freedom of speech can be brandished in such a careless manner. 

[Update] You can express your different opinions but if you choose the wrong way to present it (like a particular Mr. Ass-O-E), don't go crying if people flame you. By manipulating statistics, drawing false analogies, making poor comparisons and (the worst part) imposing your shallow views on others, what makes you so different from the terrible man you make Mr. Lee out to be? However, will we wish death upon you? No, and that marks the difference between us.

“Not all who oppose the PAP are communists; some are communists, some reactionaries, some opportunists and some merely confused.” 1961, The Wit & Wisdom of Lee Kuan Yew

I get that people may have different standards by which they assess the effectiveness/ desirability/ greatness etc. of a leader (eg. tangible results like GDP/capita or intangibles like the quality of life) – I’m not robbing you of that right – but it’s one thing to criticise and another to insult or imprecate another. And you know what, it’s not even a fine line between them.

Then there was also this 95-liner who expressed his hate for Mr. Lee on Twitter. My reading of his tweets informed me that he hates Mr. Lee because of mandatory military conscription (which said boy obviously detests) and as a result, he was extremely unhappy that the army required him to watch the TV telecast of the procession as Mr. Lee was transported to the Parliament House. He said he hated Mr. Lee as much as he hated the fact that he was being forced to mourn for a man he could hardly care less about. To be honest, he’s free to say whatever he wants but I just think that a 20-year old boy like him should know better than to utter words like these (yesyes, this judgement of mine evidences the imposition of social norms on people – the norm that we dislike hearing awful things right after a precious one’s demise – but if the norm is useful and beneficial, I’m all for keeping the norm). You don’t want to mourn, then don’t mourn la! Did your Platoon Sergeant or leader point a rifle to your head and threaten that if you don’t cry during the broadcast, he would shoot you or make you run 50 laps? No right!! If you don’t want to mourn or watch, then just spend the half hour or so staring at the television frame or zone out and daydream la! Who’s forcing you or the more important question is, who can force you to grieve?! Sure, army sucks, life is tough but I doubt that really justifies the extent of senseless hate being involved here. (facepalms) 

And then there’s the very elitist guy, Mr. O, Cocky, who claims that his father’s success (as a lawyer/banker) was a product of solely his efforts. “He worked hard and earned everything by HIMSELF.” By extension, Mr. CO is probably self-praisin- I mean, referring to himself as well, that his top 1% income earner position is a result of his hard work and nothing else. Hah. This one deserves a 10-minute laughing break. Yourself, yourself, yourself – how more self-centred can you possibly be? I am so sure the father was able to become successful practising law all on his own – nope, he didn’t need clients, nope he didn’t require a decent legal education (or any education institutions for that matter), nope he didn’t require a working judicial system (that is not corrupt but rather, effective and efficient), nope he didn’t have the privilege of working in a relatively safe and stable society, nope he didn’t have the luxury of living in a country experiencing rapid economic development – he made it all on his own. I don’t even need to study sociology to know how implausible and laughable that sounds (but since I did, your logic (or the lack thereof) is baffling to say the least). I admit that it’s not easy for young people to recognise what the pioneering generation has done for the nation because so many things are taken for granted these days and it’s admittedly difficult to pinpoint their exact contributions (who would give a second thought about the culture of efficiency that permeates all levels of society and the low level of corruption and bother to give thanks for them) but to completely deny their achievements and claim that you’re a self-made man whose success is completely divorced from the larger social, political and economic context you live in? Perhaps you need a trip back to school! This alarming inability to show appreciation and gratitude is really hard to fathom. (this in no way questions the father’s ability, it’s the son’s unreasonable statement that I have a bone to pick with)

As mentioned repeatedly, it’s perfectly fine to disagree with his policies – I mean, go ahead! Write an anti-Mr. Lee book, scold him all you want, complain about him all over cyberspace (they are the experts already) – just later! Right now, due respect should be paid to the family and those who are grieving over the loss of the nation’s father, no? Is it so difficult?! There are also the ridiculous ones who lamented the death of free speech because the Speakers’ Corner is not available during the weeklong mourning period… you’re right… only if the moment you open your mouth at the neighbourhood coffeeshop to exclaim, “Chicken rice sucks, rojak sucks, the Singapore food culture has gone down the drain,” policeman in full riot gear jump on you, gag your mouth and bundle you off to no man’s land. As for those who compared Singapore to North Korea, pleasepleaseplease-givemeyourcreditcardnumberandsecuritycode, I’ll kindly help you book a tour to North Korea with that and do bear in mind the last (and most important) thing on your itinerary to do before your flight – it reads, “wave the US flag or do something stupid that will earn you permanent residency in North Korea”. Perhaps then, people will learn to use analogies better or to think before they start babbling!

Lastly, there are the ones who are crying bloody murde- oops, I meant making a huge fuss out of:

(because I’m tired and I have work waiting for me, I’ll keep this short)

(a) people posting only the good stuff about Mr. Lee; (fears of glamorising and romanticising Mr. Lee’s life and contributions)

• Think the good stuff is all fluff, try asking the pioneer generation that or anyone from the 1920s to 1980s – those who have lived through huge changes in Singapore – I hope that earns you a tight slap on your cheek. Don’t believe the incessant stories/propaganda on television and radio (it can annoy people, I understand that) – there’s always the museum which houses archival and historical documents of historical events (doubt even their authenticity – wow, what little faith you have, have you considered immigrating elsewhere?) and transcripts of interviews with leaders of other countries, local and foreign newspaper clippings, first-hand stories from civilians etc. If it’s real, it’s real. It’s undeniable that without Lee Kuan Yew and his remarkable leadership and out of this world foresight, Singapore wouldn’t be where she is today. If he didn’t accomplish as much as he is currently lauded for, would the leaders of countries worldwide lavish such praises on him? Are you the one who worked with him and witnessed his achievements or did Henry Kissinger and the Sultan of Brunei do so? If you want details of his contributions, switch on the television or do a quick internet search. There are utterly marvellous articles on Mr. Lee’s significant contributions (written by reporters, friends, opposition parties) being written right now so I’ll save myself the trouble of rehashing those points.

• Articles which are nit-picky about who credit should actually go to – eg. LKY’s team, foreign advisors who drafted economic policies, pre-LKY leaders or in some absurd articles, basically everyone but LKY himself. If you want to examine who-did-what, by the same logic, whenever a movie is successful, all the credit should go to the scriptwriter alone. The director, producer, lighting technicians, actors, film crew – all redundant! Accessory and for show only. You think foreign advisors parachuted themselves into Singapore, eager to help us develop, is it? You think things can get done without LKY’s leadership and his ability to form the best team (then), to come up with developmental plans and policies, to forge diplomatic ties, to lay down the best possible foundation for Singapore’s future? He’s obviously not a saint or a god (and you think we can’t judge objectively) and can’t be the one to get everything done by himself – everyone then deserves a share of the credit – to try and deny him the acknowledgement and recognition he deserves now simply looks like a very petty move to me. He may not have done everything on his own (you think governing a country is playing scissors-paper-stone ah?) – and it’s awful how some things are getting misreported – but for all the things which he have actually done, you are not to deny him that. The SG team back then was amazing, but so was Mr. Lee. He couldn’t have done it alone (no one asserts such an audacious claim) but he made things work, and pretty damn well they did. Meanwhile, if you do think it’s fair to share the goodies among all the pioneering leaders, then please spread the blame (for failed policies and government cock-ups) too, thanks! Mr. Lee has been described as an autocratic man and Singapore, a soft authoritarian state but make no mistake, we run on a democratic model. There is a Parliament, in which sits representatives of the people. There are elections, during which the people’s voice is given effect to. If success is meant to be shared among everyone (sound like a good idea to have people feel grateful to the pioneering batch as a whole), please attribute failure to the masses too. Blame it on the other ministers for okaying the idea, blame it on those who failed to speak up when they could have, blame it on the people for voting the party into power, blame it on the people who have kept them in power – mm this way, although Mr. Lee wouldn’t be raved about as much, he wouldn’t be vilified too.

• Balance, my friends! Lee Kuan Yew is not a perfect man (who is!). His policies were not perfect – for every majority that benefited, there is a minority that gets left out and forgotten (but isn’t this a common phenomenon with governance worldwide – why use this against Mr. Lee?) and he had indeed made mistakes. Some people have suffered from his decisions, but don’t’ forget that many others have benefitted at the same time!

• On another occasion, I heard that a fellow schoolmate called out a friend for posting a seemingly biased description of Mr. Lee. In response to that, firstly, why so hypocritical? Aren’t you also posting one-sided articles which purport to show how LKY wasn’t as great as the media has made him out to be? For the very same reason that causes your annoyance at one-sided pro-LKY posts, I refuse to read the one-sided articles you post. I have to highlight that this unwillingness doesn’t mean I’m unaware of Mr. Lee’s very-human flaws, I am merely protesting against this hypocrisy I observe. Secondly, was it really the best time to bring up these issues, as a dying man laid on his deathbed (it happened before his passing) or now, as his family and nation mourns? As emphasized time and again, TIMING, people. Delaying debate doesn’t necessarily translate into the rejection of such conversations – it just means later, deng yi xia, cho-tto-ma-te, na-jung-eh. Later, not never!!!! Be honest with yourself, do you see people talking about how so-and-so stole his classmate’s money when he was 13 or how he tripped his elderly neighbour when he was 6, in eulogies? Or when a sickly person lays on his/her deathbed, trying desperately to cling on to his/her last breath, to hold on to the lives that he/she had fervently fought for? The answer is a plain, simple “no”. Simply because this isn’t the way we do things or the way we treat people. A eulogy is intended to praise, to celebrate; it’s not an occasion to criticise and demean – why? Because this is the meaning society has ascribed to eulogies. We don’t laugh or jeer when a fellow being is dying – simply because this is how social norms of inter-personal behaviour have evolved – so why should it be any different just because it’s Mr. Lee Kuan Yew? Consistency! Otherwise, I hope people bring up how you’ve been such a prick when Lee Kuan Yew passed away in your eulogy (I see the need to point out that this is not a curse lest people jump on this quote and accuse that I’m no different from those who cursed Mr. Lee) and well, all your other shortcomings and things you’ve done wrong. Since… you think such behaviour is perfectly fine and acceptable before/after a person’s eternal departure (shrugs). Additionally, I’m suspicious of your intentions whenever you post such comments/articles – are you doing so with the genuine intention to inform people/raise awareness or are you furthering your own agenda? If the latter is true (and I think so), don’t hide behind the whole people-need-to-know-better-and-it-is-my-obligation-to-help-them façade. At the very least, be honest. And of course, stop trying to shove your political views down our throats, on the presumption that you are always right. Don’t impose your opinions on us – we are all entitled to make our own judgments on the state of local politics and there may not even be a clear divide between what is right and wrong (so don’t go all preachy on us). (note: we are also not obliged to inform people of the situation)

(b) mindlessly respecting Mr. Lee even if “they would otherwise never have thought about him, and who would never confront the ugliness of his politics” or following the crowd and respecting Mr. Lee even though they don’t even know what good/bad he had done

• To start with, by whose/what standards are you measuring these people’s knowledge of Mr. Lee against? Who is to decide whether one has enough knowledge of Mr. Lee’s contributions before one is entitled to decide to respect and pay tribute to him? Yours (fat hope)? Isn’t this against the freedom of thought, expression and speech that the funny bunch so passionately champions – who are you to stop them from deciding that Mr. Lee is a respectable leader meant to be honoured by the nation for time and infinity?

• Don’t be so quick to pounce on the supposed ‘herd mentality’ just because tens of thousands of people are turning up in droves at Parliament House to bid Mr. Lee farewell. These people have minds of their own (not all are as well-informed undoubtedly but don’t be so eager to label us mindless sheep or the victims of groupthink) – and many Singaporeans are notorious for the incorporation of the cost-benefit analysis into their lifestyles (ain’t no Singapore got the time to do anything that doesn’t benefit oneself – generalisation, I know but it’s true to a certain extent) – Singaporeans are more discerning that you think. And if you think that the outpouring of sadness and grief originates from just PAP supporters (which you prolly call the white shirts’ lackeys in your mind), think again. Respect for Mr. Lee and anti-PAP sentiments/dissatisfaction with current administration are not mutually exclusive – some people are just more balanced individuals who are able to accommodate differing views within themselves without well, rushing to conclusions like others. I’m pretty sure a whole bunch of pro-opposition Singaporeans are there to pay their respects as well.

                                                         

• Even if some ‘worshippers’ are indeed mindless sheep, I don’t see a problem in that so long as there’s an element of truth in the stories about Mr. Lee that earn him that respect from the mindless sheep. Truth is truth, man.

• If you’re set on accusing us of being mindless sheep and that this state of ‘uninformedness’ is so terrible, please be fair and go after the other (funny) bunch of mindless sheep that is wreaking havoc right now. Well, you know, the bunch of jokers who do not even know shi* about Mr. Lee and Singapore’s history and yet, insist on senselessly and mindlessly hating him, his policies, the current government, mainstream culture in general perhaps etc. (it’s especially bewildering to see kids as young as 10-15 hating Mr. Lee as if their lives depended on it – sure, being anti-establishment is the cool and ‘in’ thing but seriously, don’t know heck then keep quiet – so hello friends, please solve this too and don’t try to sidestep the issue!) As important as it is for us to educate sheep worshippers, it’s equally important to dedicate time and effort to educating the sheep sreppihsrow too so we don’t end up with a bunch of extremists (on both ends). In articles with titles like “Myths of Mr. Lee” or “Hard truths about Mr. Lee,” please do dedicate an equally long section to “The Greatness of Mr. Lee” and “Why we should be proud of Mr. Lee” as well so that everyone gets a balanced perspective! World peace! If we can’t have people blindly worshipping Mr. Lee, we can’t let those blindly hating him to keep on hatin’, can we! I gotta warn you that sheep have a tendency to only see/hear what they want to see/hear though and that it’s more difficult to convert antis to neutrals (than the converse) so.. good luck with that.

(c) Deification of Mr. Lee

• Fear of glamorising and romanticising his role in history – people are more discerning than you think them to be (see above); don’t worry, for every pro-LKY article out there, there is an anti-LKY article floating around – people are being exposed to a wide variety of perspectives on the man himself so they can judge for themselves. When people hail him as the founding father, as the human embodiment of Singapore, bear in mind that it’s symbolic. S.y.m.b.o.l.i.c. Figurative! Not literal!

I am so glad to get these off my chest. They’ve been gnawing at the corners of my heart for the past two weeks and if I don’t speak up for what I believe in, I’m gonna explode. (and I’m clearly not going to give the sheeps that satisfaction) Frankly, I don’t think Mr. Lee even cares about whether he is being thanked by the nation or not but it matters a lot to me, to see him being misunderstood and almost demonised. He’s no longer here with us but we can feel indignant on his behalf and stand up for what we believe in. All we plead for is respect this week – give the family and the people some privacy and protected space where they can weep over the nation’s loss. After that, anyone’s free to shoot their mouths off. The public space’s open for dialogue and discussion. For now, just lie low, please?

Those who still cannot accept the hard truths or refuse to acknowledge Mr. Lee’s role at all, please form a queue in that dark, dusty corner. We’re currently in the midst of building a time-travel machine which can transport all the upset, discontented people who are blinded by hatred to a pre-1959 Singapore in a parallel universe, where they will probably be happier. Let’s see them succeed.

Time for dinner!

Whoever governs Singapore must have that iron in him. Or give it up. This is not a game of cards. This is your life and mine. I’ve spent a whole lifetime building this and as long as I’m in charge, nobody is going to knock it down.” 

- Rally speech at Raffles Place, 1980

Thank you, Mr. Lee for all that you've done for us.

In Loving Memory of Mr. Lee Kuan Yew

They used to call him my "偶像".

He was and he still is.

Perhaps it was National Education that worked, or maybe I simply gained awareness of politics early as a child but he was undoubtedly an important figure in my life. He may not have been a perfect person (I mean, who is?) but no one can deny his achievements and all that he had done for Singapore (to have to describe this in the past tense.. is heartbreaking beyond measure). I never got to meet him in reality to thank him for everything - a wish that never came true, if only I had tried harder - but I hope my sincere thoughts and well wishes over the past week have been communicated to him.. In spirit, in dreams, somehow.

Oh, and he will always be the cutest role model I've ever had (my little secret).

I woke up to the news of his demise and much of this morning and early afternoon was spent weeping in sadness. It reached a point where I wasn't sure who and what I was crying for anymore. My grandmother? My idol? Or was it just grief over the thought of losing yet another person? Sadness for the person who has to leave and misery for those who have to cope with the departure? This unbearable sadness and pain.. I'm honestly not quite sure how to deal with it. I know that life has to go on but.. with every departure, a little part of oneself dies inside. We, are no longer complete.

Then again, Mr. Lee, I hope that you're finally in a happy place, with the one true love of your life.

I'm immensely proud of you, Mr. Lee. Thank you for all that you have done for us, thank you for being such an inspiration to a little Singaporean girl. No amount of words can convey the respect and gratitude I have for you but.. from the very bottom of my heart, may your soul rest in peace.

From today onward, I'll try even harder to become a Singaporean citizen whom you will be proud of, to become a useful, productive citizen who loves her nation and who will carry on your legacy and make this little red dot on the world map shine even more brightly than before. We'll protect this nation that you've tried so hard to build up with our lives - or at the very least, I will do my part. I may have lost sight of this goal over the past few years but know that the patriotic flame burns on.

新加坡国父

真正的历史巨人

无可取代，永传不朽

打从心里谢谢你

李光耀先生，请你安息吧。

Moody

Feeling sick of everything.

Review of the past week

Penultimate presentation in university and I'm satisfied with my improvement thus far. I'm so glad that the nightmare of a presentation (called the ICCJ presentation) is now a thing of the past.. Yesterday's presentation was much better than I expected - I'm usually not too kind with evaluations of my own performances - but my friends said it was a good presentatio- SOBS - ion. She said I understood the presentation materials well and seemed passionate about the subject and another friend said the style was good... (bursts into tears)

Haha I'm just happy that I finally got a presentation right this semester! :') Tuesday's presentation wasn't bad but I stumbled a lil when reading the script (I realised the words were printed way too small only 5 minutes before the presentation and I couldn't see it clearly in the dark haha) so I'm overjoyed that Thursday's presentation went well. For all three presentations, I only had a day to memorise the script but for Thursday's presentation, I took a different approach. Rather than memorise, I chose to understand the script and it made things so much easier! \o/ Haha not that I didn't make an effort to understand the materials for the previous presentations(!) but it's difficult to commit to memory lengthy explanations of technical concepts like unilateral humanitarian intervention, belligerent reprisals and gender socialisation. I get what they are but when it comes to explaining the terms using legal/sociology jargon, I need a script. My brain isn't that capable of absorbing everything and having it imprinted on my mind within a day.

Anyway, random happy thoughts ^^

My Understanding Societies group!

Easter's coming! Heh supermarkets feel so bright and lovely :D

Stumbled upon a cool fruit place last week called Project Acai,

The Acai Bowl - filled with superfoods like Acai berry slush, blueberries, wolfberries, chia seed, bananas, grapes, mangoes, cocount shavings and granola. Cleanses your body and super healthy! (it will clean out your wallet too hahah) A small cup costs about $6.50, the medium bowl $9.50 and the biggest bowl (pictured here) is $13.90? Trust me, it's not very big.

Won a Line plushie, like finally!!

Was feeling sick a couple days back so I just ditched work and sat down for a drawing therapy session. These took me an hour to draw (digs a hole in ground and hides) ._. Instagram artists can come up with a full sketch in 15 minutes whereas I took a full hour to draw these. I need to get better. I know my mangaka dream is probably out of reach by now (waterfall) - sigh - but I really want to improve my drawing skills. Whether it comes true or not, I do not want to let go of this dream. To better sketches!

School

Wore slippers to school for the first time ever - ack, I even wore it consecutively for two days! - and missed a group project meeting for prolly the first time too.

Haha I have a love-hate relationship with slippers, especially flip-flops - I don't ever wear them to town, I'm not particularly fond of people who do so and lol I realise that I don't even have a pair of my own aha :D I just wore my mom's slippers to school heh They aren't flip-flops (think dressy women's slippers) but gosh, did those clickety-clacky sounds of slipper against ground annoy me throughout the day. If it weren't for the nasty and evil pair of flats and uncooperative band-aids, coupled with the Chinese Garden stroll, I wouldn't have to go through this! Getting blisters isn't uncommon but this time round, it skipped the blister stage and went straight to take off a chunk of skin (cringes) let me tell you, it hurts like shiat. Hahahah so that's how I ended up having to wear slippers to school. And totally not enjoying the entire experience haha That said, I should go get my own pair of (very decent) slippers so I won't have to borrow my mom's tiny slippers anymore!

Anyway, finally fell sick after pulling a week's worth of late nighters. I felt pretty unwell when I woke this morning but ain't nobody got the time to feel sick! Not when there's a presentation today! I managed to last till the class ended but after that, I was aching so much everywhere (when my ears start hurting, I know a fever's not far away) so I decided (tough decision man!) to head home and get some rest. I feel really apologetic and frankly, I wish I could have been there because I think the group paper had major problems with flow and structure - gah, work continues to haunt me even when my brain feels fried - but oh well, rest can't wait. I suppose it should be fine to be selfish at times to take care of one's health!

I shall just do a teeny wee bit of work now and then off to bed, I go!

Boo!

Woah, the nightmares are getting worse.

Then again, thinking on the bright side (lol is there even a bright side in this gloomydustyscary corner), they do make great ideas for horror-action blockbusters. There are monster-themed dreams, dreams with Asian/Western horror film elements (gah, must have been those The Walking Dead episodes I watched ㅠ.ㅠ) and just plain weird-batshit-crazy ones. Any takers out there? Ka-Ching!

Better still, anyone who can make these nightmares stop and replace them with sweet, happy, marshmallowy dreams instead? Nah, I kid - I'm not that greedy - no dreams would suffice.

Whirlpool

First presentation of the semester yesterday and sigh, it left me feeling terribly ashamed of my performance. I knew I was nervous because of the different/odd presentation setup (we were seated in real close proximity to our fellow classmates and professor and boy, did that feel awkward) but I didn't expect it to go that badly. We had a very last minute meeting on Sunday - script was only finalised by Sunday midnight - and I tried my very best to memorise my script but.. the case of jitters was worse than I thought. I stumbled over my words, had to resort to reading off the script - which was x1000000 awkward when you're seated right in front of the podium whilst presenting - and my voice was screechier than usual. I seriously hate it when my voice gets really high-pitched, which happens when I'm nervous, so I can hardly imagine how it sounded like to the audience. It wasn't a disastrous presentation but I could have done so much better if I had more time to prepare :( Just really disappointed in myself.. I shall do better in my next presentation, that I promise myself.

On the topic of the group project, I also got pretty unhappy that the group members kept picking on me for having too long a part. Which was plain ridiculous - ah, how aggrieved I felt. They kept complaining that my script was too long (and indirectly, that theirs were too short) during meetings but when it came to the actual presentation, their parts were equally long, if not even longer than mine.. -.-" My script was long (approximately 2 pages) because I typed in full sentences and it was an actual script - like duh, obviously it would be lengthy with connecting sentences and all - so how can they possibly compare that to a script which was in bullet points?! One of them had 3 pages worth of bullet points and she had the audacity to claim that my part was too long and that she was worried we would overrun the presentation time. As for those who didn't even have a script then despite my repeated reminders to come up with one (so that we could time ourselves, ensure that everyone had enough materials to cover and avoid the entire hassle of oh-you-speak-too-much-I-speak-too-little), why the heck are you even commenting on the length of my part when you're not sure how long yours would be?! To placate the rest, I ending up redistributing some of my parts to them. I estimated 10mins/presenter and they were all going on about how that would be too long (this was on the day of the presentation itself) but hey, look at how the presentation turned out! You guys took 10+ minutes each whereas I probably didn't even hit the 10-minute mark.. These absurd people. It didn't help that half the time, I felt so out of place as the only year 4 - with no one to support my views or side with me. Looking back on this teamwork experience, if we consider just the product, it was a job well done. As for the process, well, it could have been more pleasant. That said, I was very impressed by one of my groupmate's presentation skills. I believe she's a mooter/debater and wow, I was blown away by her speaking skills. Something that I should aim towards!

Anyway, I haven't been sleeping well lately so I find myself feeling tired a lot these days. I take a long time to fall asleep and when I do, I'm plagued by nightmares and weird dreams. These sap my energy and by the time I wake in the mornings, I feel as exhausted I was when I went to bed the night before. The last time I had a good night's sleep was probably.. 3 or 4 weeks ago when I was down with flu/fever. And that was only cos I was on medication - flu medicine that worked like magic and knocked me out cold for the night (ask me if you ever need it haha). It sucked that I was sick but honestly, best nights of sleep ever. Just go away dreams! 제발!

What else do I have on my mind.. Let's get it all out here and let me have a peaceful night of rest.

Oh, I hate it when people misunderstand me/ my intentions. I got reminded of a very bad joke (involving a friend and myself) recently and it's hard to believe that such a joke would have endured over the years. (I would have thrown the 'culprit' into the pool then if I could, for real) There's no way I can clarify the matter now without making things awkward between us again but for the record, I do not like you. I have never liked you, even back in JC, and I never will. To let silly misunderstandings like these come between us and wreck our friendship back then was such a foolish and irresponsible thing to do. Our friendship was so important to me - you knew that - and yet, you snatched it away from me heartlessly and left scars that would never heal.

The person/people who started it all is the worst - you think it's fun to tease and make fun of people like this? To trample on people's feelings? To treat people's precious feelings like they are worthless playthings? Wait till you're the subject of such teasing and your relationships are ruined as a result - let's see if you can still joke around carelessly then. It was because of your pesky questions that he revealed the identity of the true object of my affections and as if that wasn't enough to clear your doubts, you just couldn't keep your mouth shut, could you? All these happened in year 1 (I eventually forgave the friend for breaking our promise) so imagine my shock when a year later, another classmate teased me about the person I liked. It got me so antsy and afraid because these (the pesky classmate and the one who teased me in year 2) are sportspersons we're talking about and we all know how rumours spread like wildfire in the sports clubs, especially when one of the parties involved is from a related club. To make things worse, I believe the rumours around the both of us started again - for what shit reason, I have no idea) - and that was really the end. This time round, you joked that he liked me and really, I can't even start on how laughable that sounded. Even if we were the only two people left on earth, we would never like each other that way. That's how clearly the boundaries have been drawn.

Six years ago, you guys played a part in destroying our friendship because you treaded on the no-go mine zone and now, you're at it again? Please grow up and respect the people around you. Respect their feelings. Respect yourself. It's fortunate that I wasn't actually in love with the friend - imagine how distraught such a person would have been in such a situation when as a platonic friend, I had it that bad - these thoughtless boys might just have ruined a person's life. You were selfish too but it's been too long.. people can't keep on hurtin'. For years, I've let you hurt me again and again but not anymore!

If only people could be more honest with themselves and more considerate towards others.. this world would be a much happier place.

If anyone ever suspects that a friend likes oneself (and that is not desired), don't ever withdraw from the friendship (to end things) by simply disappearing off the radar or cutting the other person off abruptly. Relationships don't work that way. Either ask and clarify or simply ignore the suspicions and carry on with life. That way, there will be closure for both parties and no one gets hurt.

For me, male acquaintances/friends are classified into different categories.

There's the:
'You're not my type's; and
'I'm neutral about you's, and
'I like you', and
'I would like you if we had met earlier or in a parallel universe but I can't like you's; and finally, the
'I don't, cannot and will never like you's

This friend of mine obviously falls into the last category (if only he knew) but it's too late, ain't it.

So let's please keep the bad jokes and memories where they belong - buried deep in the past - shall we?

If things aren't clear enough, the sole position in the 'I like you' category has been vacant for a while so no one has anything to worry about. (this is a story for another day)

No misunderstandings, no nuffin'.

Recently, I've also realised that technology is taking up too much time in my life. When I'm not working on my laptop, I'm usually on my phone. When I'm not using the phone, I'm on my mom's Samsung tablet. When I'm not using those, I'm watching the television. And the thing is, I really dislike these distractions. I worry about things like my eyesight and astronomical data charges. I hate that the new wifi connection at home has had the effect of alienating people too.

I've resisted calls to download Instagram for the longest time ever but now that I've created an account - it's too addictive! Originally created to view a friend's exchange photos, the account has since led me to the magical world of Instagram where I can gain access to various special interest groups such as manga artists and cosplayers. It's like Deviant Art in a bite-sized, Twitter-like form! \o/ There are SO MANY talented artists out there to follow - haha how to get off Instagram like this!

Oh and I need to lose weight too!

And, and, and there's the problem with self-identity!

Not forgetting the troubling study of sociology!

Some would think #firstworldproblems but ah well, these are real struggles people go through.

To live life to the fullest and to be the best possible person I can be, it's not always an easy task.

(this is pathetic, isn't it)