First presentation of the semester yesterday and sigh, it left me feeling terribly ashamed of my performance. I knew I was nervous because of the different/odd presentation setup (we were seated in real close proximity to our fellow classmates and professor and boy, did that feel awkward) but I didn't expect it to go
that badly. We had a very last minute meeting on Sunday - script was only finalised by Sunday midnight - and I tried my very best to memorise my script but.. the case of jitters was worse than I thought. I stumbled over my words, had to resort to reading off the script - which was x1000000 awkward when you're seated right in front of the podium whilst presenting - and my voice was screechier than usual. I seriously hate it when my voice gets really high-pitched, which happens when I'm nervous, so I can hardly imagine how it sounded like to the audience. It wasn't a disastrous presentation but I could have done so much better if I had more time to prepare :( Just really disappointed in myself.. I shall do better in my next presentation, that I promise myself.
On the topic of the group project, I also got pretty unhappy that the group members kept picking on me for having too long a part. Which was plain ridiculous - ah, how aggrieved I felt. They kept complaining that my script was too long (and indirectly, that theirs were too short) during meetings but when it came to the actual presentation, their parts were equally long, if not even longer than mine.. -.-" My script was long (approximately 2 pages) because I typed in full sentences and it was an actual script - like duh, obviously it would be lengthy with connecting sentences and all - so how can they possibly compare that to a script which was in bullet points?! One of them had 3 pages worth of bullet points and she had the audacity to claim that my part was too long and that she was worried we would overrun the presentation time. As for those who didn't even have a script then despite my repeated reminders to come up with one (so that we could time ourselves, ensure that everyone had enough materials to cover and avoid the entire hassle of oh-you-speak-too-much-I-speak-too-little), why the heck are you even commenting on the length of my part when you're not sure how long yours would be?! To placate the rest, I ending up redistributing some of my parts to them. I estimated 10mins/presenter and they were all going on about how that would be too long (this was on the day of the presentation itself) but hey, look at how the presentation turned out! You guys took 10+ minutes each whereas I probably didn't even hit the 10-minute mark.. These absurd people. It didn't help that half the time, I felt so out of place as the only year 4 - with no one to support my views or side with me. Looking back on this teamwork experience, if we consider just the product, it was a job well done. As for the process, well, it could have been more pleasant. That said, I was very impressed by one of my groupmate's presentation skills. I believe she's a mooter/debater and wow, I was blown away by her speaking skills. Something that I should aim towards!
Anyway, I haven't been sleeping well lately so I find myself feeling tired a lot these days. I take a long time to fall asleep and when I do, I'm plagued by nightmares and weird dreams. These sap my energy and by the time I wake in the mornings, I feel as exhausted I was when I went to bed the night before. The last time I had a good night's sleep was probably.. 3 or 4 weeks ago when I was down with flu/fever. And that was only cos I was on medication - flu medicine that worked like magic and knocked me out cold for the night (ask me if you ever need it haha). It sucked that I was sick but honestly, best nights of sleep ever. Just go away dreams! 제발!
What else do I have on my mind.. Let's get it all out here and let me have a peaceful night of rest.
Oh, I hate it when people misunderstand me/ my intentions. I got reminded of a very bad joke (involving a friend and myself) recently and it's hard to believe that such a joke would have endured over the years. (I would have thrown the 'culprit' into the pool then if I could, for real) There's no way I can clarify the matter now without making things awkward between us again but
for the record, I do not like you. I have never liked you, even back in JC, and I never will. To let silly misunderstandings like these come between us and wreck our friendship back then was such a foolish and irresponsible thing to do. Our friendship was so important to me - you knew that - and yet, you snatched it away from me heartlessly and left scars that would never heal.
The person/people who started it all is the worst - you think it's fun to tease and make fun of people like this? To trample on people's feelings? To treat people's precious feelings like they are worthless playthings? Wait till you're the subject of such teasing and your relationships are ruined as a result - let's see if you can still joke around carelessly then. It was because of your pesky questions that he revealed the identity of the true object of my affections and as if that wasn't enough to clear your doubts, you just couldn't keep your mouth shut, could you? All these happened in year 1 (I eventually forgave the friend for breaking our promise) so imagine my shock when a year later, another classmate teased me about the person I liked. It got me so antsy and afraid because these (the pesky classmate and the one who teased me in year 2) are sportspersons we're talking about and we all know how rumours spread like wildfire in the sports clubs, especially when one of the parties involved is from a related club. To make things worse, I believe the rumours around the both of us started again - for what shit reason, I have no idea) - and that was really the end. This time round, you joked that he liked me and really, I can't even start on how laughable that sounded. Even if we were the only two people left on earth, we would never like each other that way. That's how clearly the boundaries have been drawn.
Six years ago, you guys played a part in destroying our friendship because you treaded on the no-go mine zone and now, you're at it again? Please grow up and respect the people around you. Respect their feelings. Respect yourself. It's fortunate that I wasn't actually in love with the friend - imagine how distraught such a person would have been in such a situation when as a platonic friend, I had it
that bad - these thoughtless boys might just have ruined a person's life. You were selfish too but it's been too long.. people can't keep on hurtin'. For years, I've let you hurt me again and again but not anymore!
If only people could be more honest with themselves and more considerate towards others.. this world would be a much happier place.
If anyone ever suspects that a friend likes oneself (and that is not desired), don't ever withdraw from the friendship (to end things) by simply disappearing off the radar or cutting the other person off abruptly. Relationships don't work that way. Either ask and clarify or simply ignore the suspicions and carry on with life. That way, there will be closure for both parties and no one gets hurt.
For me, male acquaintances/friends are classified into different categories.
There's the:
'You're not my type's; and
'I'm neutral about you's, and
'I like you', and
'I would like you if we had met earlier or in a parallel universe but I can't like you's; and finally, the
'I don't, cannot and will never like you's
This friend of mine obviously falls into the last category (if only he knew) but it's too late, ain't it.
So let's please keep the bad jokes and memories where they belong - buried deep in the past - shall we?
If things aren't clear enough, the sole position in the 'I like you' category has been vacant for a while so no one has anything to worry about. (this is a story for another day)
No misunderstandings, no nuffin'.
Recently, I've also realised that technology is taking up too much time in my life. When I'm not working on my laptop, I'm usually on my phone. When I'm not using the phone, I'm on my mom's Samsung tablet. When I'm not using those, I'm watching the television. And the thing is, I really dislike these distractions. I worry about things like my eyesight and astronomical data charges. I hate that the new wifi connection at home has had the effect of alienating people too.
I've resisted calls to download Instagram for the longest time ever but now that I've created an account - it's too addictive! Originally created to view a friend's exchange photos, the account has since led me to the magical world of Instagram where I can gain access to various special interest groups such as manga artists and cosplayers. It's like Deviant Art in a bite-sized, Twitter-like form! \o/ There are SO MANY talented artists out there to follow - haha how to get off Instagram like this!
Oh and I need to lose weight too!
And, and, and there's the problem with self-identity!
Not forgetting the troubling study of sociology!
Some would think #firstworldproblems but ah well, these are real struggles people go through.
To live life to the fullest and to be the best possible person I can be, it's not always an easy task.
(this is pathetic, isn't it)
