Sometimes, I find myself feeling at a loss for words or simply not knowing what best to do when faced with a friend's personal problems (of a specific nature). I do understand what she's going through and I know how pained she must be feeling but.. apart from telling her to be strong and hang in there till the storm passes (these hateful storm clouds do hang around for a long time), I find that I can't do much more for her.
Should I be giving her a big, warm hug? Assuring her that I'll always be there for her? Thinking up escape routes for her? Creating a world where she can seek refuge in? With all honesty, I would love to do so and I may be so much happier if I were capable of doing such things for others.
But I find that I can't.. For now, at least.
I've become so emotionally detached from certain things/people/events, that I can only approach certain matters from a highly objective, rational and unfeeling perspective. Do I like this? No. But can I help it? Likewise, no. The way I respond to others is undeniably influenced by my own personal circumstances and there's no way I can reverse that. Since no one was ever there for me when I was going through some of the shittiest days of my life (and 'ell, it ain't even over), the one thing I've learnt from it all is that I'm on my own in this fat-bull-crap-of-a-thing-they-call-life. If I don't suck it up and move on, the world's just going to drag me down and you know what, no way am I going to let that happen to me. Thus far, it's been a solo battle and it's always been either fight or flight (I've tried both but age has mellowed me and these days, I choose to hide instead lol) so if you ask me about love, concern and all the mushyfeely emotions (that usually come with post-conflict resolutions), naww not in my vocabulary. I can't expect everyone else to do the same thing - and I don't because I know it seldom ends pretty - but at the same time, I find it difficult to give others the sort of comfort they seek (and that makes me feel bad). It doesn't help that I can't emote well either hah.
I honestly hope that someday, these walls can be torn down.
On an unrelated note, I would really like to stress how important it is for people to not be overly quick to judge (others). It annoys me immensely when people do so, especially when they do act on those preconceived judgments, because who are we to judge them? For starters, not everyone wears their hearts on their sleeves. Additionally, I don't believe in quantifying one's pain and suffering (as I've mentioned before on numerous occasions, can't remember on this blog, another blog or in conversations) - it's all subjective so don't just hastily write off another's troubles as minor and insignificant (this isn't from personal experience but I've seen it happen to the people around me so I guess I can empathise). Those poor people should not have to be at the receiving end of such unkind and unfair treatment when life already isn't easy for them.
The world could be a much more pleasant and beautiful place to live in, if only we had a greater capacity to love the people around us and of course, ourselves.
