I'm so incredibly stressed out by the equity module, honestly I'm not sure what I should do anymore. As the dino professor mentioned herself, there is no running away from this module. We will all have to take it sooner or later and depending on one's luck (or the lack thereof), the instructor might or might not be her again next semester. If it's the former again, lady luck must certainly have gone away on a long, long holiday. It's not that she's vicious or mean (sarcastic and not very empathising at most) but there is just this inexplicable huge, immense pressure I feel whenever I'm in her class. The thought of attending class frightens me to no end and it just makes me very unhappy. The weird thing here is that I actually recognise this to be an irrational fear, I know that the workload and dino are not as fearsome as I make them out to be (as evidenced by friends who adore her and her lessons), that this should be and must be something that I have to overcome but.. I simply can't control this. Perhaps the mind simply isn't strong enough or that even if I will myself to face this head-on (trust me, I've been trying), the body is unwilling. I say this because this has reached a point where it's really out of my hands. It is no longer a bad case of nerves - it has transformed into an automatic physical reaction to the thought/sight/experience of the class and this is something that isn't under my control. Twenty minutes into class and the discomfort starts to set in. My forehead grows warm, my head feels weighed down by five equity and trusts law textbooks, my eyelids start experiencing a burning sensation (I attribute this to the brightness of the screen but ever since I came back from Korea, my eyes can't seem to adjust to my laptop) and my head begins to hurt. I tell myself to relax, to breathe but it just. doesn't. work. My body isn't listening to my commands! Some people might think, "what's the big deal? it's just school and a single module so there's nothing to worry about," but know that I share the same sentiments as well, the only difference being that my body is putting me through shiat. (exasperated shrug)
It doesn't help that I haven't been feeling too well of late too.. I believe that it warrants a visit to the doctor but at the same time.. we're just hoping that I'll get better without having to seek medical help so.. no trip to the doctor. The problem is - this module (and its associated workload) seems to be worsening things. I don't like it but.. what can I do?
In any case, if anyone happens to bump into a post-equity me on Mondays, please understand if I look like this and if I'm in no state to chat.. because it's likely that my head would be hurting and the only thing I would like to do then would be to get out of school. An encouraging pat on the back would be useful.
Credit for t-rex image: http://www.dreamstime.com/royalty-free-stock-image-t-rex-dinosaur-vector-image4769716
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