Melancholy

I realise I've been filled with a lot of negative feelings recently and it has made me irritable and moody at times; snapping at people when I don't really mean to and just feeling incredibly upset all the time.

I've been thinking of my grandmother a lot recently.. and missing the smiling, cherubic, kindly grandmother who fusses over us every Chinese New Year so, so much.. I started to ask her for hugs again during our visits in recent years but.. I simply can't recall if I hugged her last January.. and that kills me a little inside. Her passing reminds me of all my regrets.. and brings back so many unpleasant memories of everything else in life. The things I cannot unsee, the things I cannot unhear, the things I am not allowed to ever forget - haunting me every night and keeping me from sleep. On some days, it's just pain and more pain. And one wonders if the pain will ever end.

It really rains a lot these days, doesn't it?